I just finished a great book: You Can Read Anyone by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. In this book, Lieberman devotes several chapters to the topic of self-esteem and ego, along with factors such as interest, confidence, mood, and humility. He goes into more detail, but basically defined self-esteem as our sense of self-worth, and equated ego with arrogance and insecurity.
The interplay of self-esteem and ego produces three types of people:
1. A person with high self-esteem cannot have a big ego. They are the ones who generally treat others the best, make good decisions, and are humble enough to recognize when they've made a mistake.
2. A person can have low self-esteem and a big ego. In this case, that person will generally act arrogantly, get irritated easily, have difficulty in seeing the needs of other people, and need to feel better than others by finding fault with them in order to feel good. This type of person tends to direct negative feelings outward, usually in anger.
3. A person can have low self-esteem and a diminished ego. These people tend to be "doormats" who will cater to other people's wishes out of the fear of being disliked. This can appear like humility, but it is not. This type of person tends to direct negative feelings inward, and tends to be withdrawn or introverted.
The same person can fluctuate between the second and third type depending on mood and other factors.
I found the following paragraph from p. 131, also about self-confidence and ego, to be very interesting:
"The more engaged in life you are, the more meaningful and thus pleasurable your experiences will be. The more you withdraw into temporary comfort or pursue illusions driven by the ego, the less pleasurable life becomes. In this state, you sometimes feel productive, but deep down inside recognize that your pursuits are not fulfilling. No matter how much effort you expend, the satisfaction is fleeting because the end objective is not meaningful. Being comfortable and having fun are not enough; our soul gnaws at us, not just to do more, but also to become something more."
I was fascinated by the descriptions of the three types of people in this book, as well as the preceding statement, because I've observed it in real life, but didn't understand exactly how it all worked. Self-esteem is extremely important if you want to be humble, treat others well, make good decisions, and pursue something that will be fulfilling instead of temporarily satisfying.
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This sounds very similar to some things I am currently reading in a book entitled, "How to Expand Love, Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships" by his Holiness the Dalai Lama.
ReplyDeleteThe three descriptions seem pretty helpful. I totally agree that arrogance and insecurity tend to go together. I was reading a book yesterday which was talking about how insecure people are afraid to ask others questions because they they that asking questions will reveal their own ignorance. As a result, they tend to talk about their own achievement and not ask others questions. This makes them annoying to others, which harms their personal relationship, which in turn makes them more insecure. . . And on the cycle goes!
ReplyDeleteHannah, that sounds just like most of the managers where I work.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it's my understanding that someone with diminished ego and low self-esteem can seem insecure in other ways, but not arrogant unless they switch back and forth from big ego to diminished ego.
Amy, that sounds like an interesting book!
ReplyDeletehmmmmm.....was trying to figure out where i am from the description...lol. the bookd seems interesting.
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